I spoke to my daughter on the phone yesterday. It was the first time in a long, long time.
I had this fear that she might not remember me or might not want to talk or something, or had heard bad things about me from her mother or grandma, but it wasn’t like that at all.
Maybe my ex had coached her a little beforehand to make it easier on all of us. Anne’s pretty cool. I still like her and sometimes I let myself think that she might break away from mommy’s clutches and the three of us could be back together and it would be good again, but I shut those thoughts down. I know Anne thinks I’m a freak—a freak and a disappointment.
For example, when I called Anne put me on speaker phone. I hate speaker phones and after hello the first words out of my mouth was, “Why am I on speaker phone?” Anne said so we could all hear each other. I said, “What? Don’t you trust me enough to talk to my own daughter? Is anyone else there?” It wasn’t the right thing to say. I get too defensive sometimes.
Anne was like, “No one else is here, geez,” and I knew I’d been a freak again. I never mean to be a freak, but I could see her mother standing in the corner of the room listening to the conversation to pass judgment on me. That’s the kind of thing she does. For all I know she was there in the corner listening anyway, it wouldn’t surprise me.
Anne said she was going to go get Katie and I was so glad I hadn’t flipped when she was listening, but the sweating began and I began to wonder if I might faint and be discovered unconscious in the bottom of the phone booth by some crap-kicking cowboy.
I put my hanky between my hand and the receiver so it wouldn’t get slippery. Thanks again to the person who recommended hankies to me.
God, it was great to hear Katie’s little voice and she seemed glad to talk to me. She just turned five and the experts all say that at five the personality is pretty much formed, and this makes me sad because I would have liked to have more to do with Katie’s personality. On the other hand, though, maybe I’ve saved her from being the freak I am.
It was Anne who suggested that Katie ask me to sing. Anne used to do this to tease me because she knows I hate to sing, but she knows I’ll do it for Katie. I tried to fight it.
Say yes, daddy, Katie kept saying. Say yes, daddy. She wouldn’t let up. She’s stubborn. That’s a good thing I think. I kept trying to get out of it, but she kept saying, say yes, daddy. So I agreed to sing.
My singing voice sucks ass, got to be honest, but I sang two songs from this Sesame Street collection we had. I sang that supercheesy, “Sing, sing a song” song, the one that’s like, “Don’t worry that it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear.” Oh, man, I was worried. It was like the first week of American Idol. I did better on the second one because it was that song where all I had to do was say, “Muh nuh ma nuh.” Anne and Katie did the, “Do do do dodo, duh do do” part. I blow as a singer, but I’m the best muh nuh ma nuh man ever.
It was pretty cool.
I miss Katie and I think she might miss me. That’s all I have to say.
I did better on the second one because it was that song where all I had to do was say, “Muh nuh ma nuh.” Anne and Katie did the, “Do do do do-do, duh do do” part. I blow as a singer, but I’m the best muh nuh ma nuh man ever.
It was pretty cool.
I miss Katie and I think she might miss me. That’s all I have to say.
