I’m a Bible School graduate. It’s the one thing in my life that I’ve done consistently, and believe me, the chicks are always impressed when I whip out the minor prophets without pausing for breath. BAM, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah. It works every time. (Okay, so it works every time in Pennsylvania. I haven’t tried it in So Cal yet.) From age 3 to age 18, my mom sent me to stay with my grandparents for about a month every summer, and besides teaching me to say grace and take smaller bites so I wouldn’t have to chew with my mouth open, they would send me to vacation Bible school where I learned, among other things, that I have Jesus in my heart, in my heart, in my heart, and he’s been right there from the start. The Bible that we read in vacation Bible school and that I got used to was the New International Version. So I was a little surprised when I found out that all the Mormons I knew read the King James bible. It’s not that unusual to use the King James bible, but I’d always been under the impression that the NIV was for teenagers because it was easier and the King James was for adults because it was like reading freaking sanskrit most of the time. But this post isn’t about NIV vs. King James. It’s about how the Book of Mormon needs an NIV translation of its own.
Consider the advantages: instead of reading, “I Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days, ” you could read, “Hi, I’m Nephi, and since my dad, who’s a righteous dude, taught me what’s up, I can write to you here about how my sucky life actually brought me to God.”
Here’s another possibility: the Book of Omni condensed into one short paragraph: “Omni: my dad told me to do this, but I suck, so I’ll go ahead and give them to my son; Amaron: don’t have much to say so I’m handing them off to my brother; Chemish: what he said; Abinadom: nothing new to add.”
And then of course, my roommate Abe’s favorite verse, “And my father dwelt in a tent.” Actually, on second thought, that one is about right.
My girlfriend doesn’t recognize the brilliance of this idea. She mutters dark things at me about being blasphemous and how I just don’t understand. But I’m being serious: I think there might be a niche market for an NIV Book of Mormon. At least for people like me, who weren’t raised speaking scripture-ese. I’ve been thinking about this stuff lately because I’ve actually been reading the Book of Mormon. Yes that’s right; I probably read more than Septimus these days. My roommates leave their bibles on the kitchen table, and between my GRE study guide and the Book of Mormon, I have to say that the Book of Mormon is more interesting. Most of the time. At least it’s less depressing and there’s no math.
But seriously, why is the Book of Mormon written like that? Is there any possibility that it will ever be updated? I’m not trying to be blasphemous or disrespectful, but it’s already been translated into Russian and French. Is it that much trouble to translate it into valley girl or ebonics?
